What I Have to Say

There’s a lot of talk in the spiritual community about ego vs. intuition. Intuition, in short, is an inner knowing and internal compass that is supposed to guide us toward the things that are good for us. It helps us determine whom we should and shouldn’t trust, which paths to avoid or go down, and in general tries to lead us to our fullest potential and toward the people and things that will make us the best versions of ourselves. 

And our ego, despite its general connotation as something negative, isn’t necessarily bad. It’s the part of us that wants to keep us safe — the part of our body ruled by anxiety and doing what we *think* we’re supposed to do. 

A healthy ego can lift us up, give us the strength to do things we didn’t think possible, and stop us from making impulsive decisions we may later regret. 

But an unhealthy ego? It can cause us to overwork at a job because we believe that’s the only way to rise up the corporate ladder. It can cause us to post a divisive political rant on Facebook because we want people to validate our opinions and win an argument against people who will never agree with us. It makes us want to have the last word rather than accept that some fights simply aren’t worth the energy expenditure. 

It’s the reason we chase emotionally unavailable partners and push away those who are actually good for us, especially when they tell us things our ego doesn’t want to hear. It’s the layer of protection we build up after years of being hurt designed to keep our heart heavily fortified and on guard for anyone who wants to break it again. 

For a large portion of my life, I’ve preferred the comfort of my own mind and vast inner world to letting other people in — very Piscean of me, I know. I’ve been able to adapt who I am to fit whatever situation I’m in. Although I’m an introvert at heart, I know how to turn on the bubbly smiley version of me with the snap of a finger. Because my ego has led me to believe that if I actually let people see what’s beneath the surface, I might be too much — too weird, too different, too unpalatable. 

My entire life has felt like a battle between my intuition and ego. As a fat woman and eternal people pleaser, my ego tells me I should shrink and take up as little space as possible. I shouldn’t ask people to accommodate me and the things I want and need.

And at the same time, I’ve always felt to my core that I wasn’t supposed to have a small life. From the time I was little, I believed I was meant to do big things — to lead, to reach people, to be known. (Just ask my parents, who had to sit through my many living room dance performances and self-directed musical productions.) 

It’s the part of me that became dance team captain (and now coach), editor of my high school and college newspapers, employee of the year, and led me to win a 40 under 40 award after the pandemic. 

Every time I’ve let my intuition win, it’s made me successful. And every time I’ve let my unhealthy ego win, it’s kept me stuck. It’s kept me from making new friends because I didn’t believe I’d meet anyone who would truly “get” me. It’s kept me in the same cycle of choosing jobs that lead to burnout but that don’t really satisfy my itch for doing something greater. It’s told me I can’t do hard things when I know deep down that I can do anything I damn well please, thank you very much. 

Overcoming our negative egoic tendencies isn’t easy. For some people who have experienced an enormous amount of hurt, it feels damn near impossible. Healing the wounds that ignite our ego is a daily battle and choice — to learn and grow from our mistakes, to let people in, to not allow the little voice in our head that says we’re always right to take away our ability to be humble and admit when we’ve done something wrong. 

I believe one of the things I’m meant to do in this lifetime — besides become an A-list celebrity, obviously — is to grow, and to encourage others to do the same. It’s so easy to stay where it’s safe. To follow the belief systems we were taught growing up. To stick to what is socially acceptable. But when your intuition — the part of you that knows deep down in your gut — that the status quo isn’t for you, you have to follow it. No matter what other people think, no matter who drops out of your life.

Your intuition will tell you those people aren’t good for you, anyway.